December Horoscopes

Here, in the winter of our discontent, are our December horoscopes. Soothing, hydrating, perfecting, made with love and real human teeth {kidding!}, they will fulfill your wildest dreams. Keep your eyes on the stars kids. Let’s go!

Sagittarius: There’s one mantra and one mantra only for you this month and that is “You are not my husband.” Even if it is your husband or equivalent unit, you must repeat this over and over again until they fade utterly and completely out of yours and everyone else’s consciousness. If you fail, I will not be responsible for the consequences. Especially if it’s actually someone else’s husband. You have been warned.

Capricorn:  December’s Cap vibe is Boss. You are the Boss and you need to own it at all times. Practice your Boss Face in the mirror, perfect your Boss Voice. Wear only Boss Clothes and ferfuqsakes Walk Like A Boss, even if it’s just to the kitchen from the bedroom. Power up your navel chakra and whether at the office party or under the mistletoe, you Boss that shiite all over the place. I promise you will thank me by the end of the month if you can accomplish this mission.

Aquarius:  In December, you are the earthly version of a Love God/dess. Look, no one is more surprised than me, but there it is. Love and romance will fall like stardust from your fingertips, a look from you can transform stone into pure liquid love glittah. In a dream, I saw you whispering at a companion and your words were poetry turning their ears into flowers.  Why should this power fall to you of all people, oh electric one?  Perhaps because it matters least to you, you are the most qualified to handle it. Be kind, be true, spill the least amount of blood you can.

Pisces: Swim little fishy, or get eaten. The water is heating up in December and the focus should be on action and action alone. Your feelings, your dreams-especially of the past perfect, don’t matter at all. You will only accrue points for daring feats, actions taken and any and all sexual or athletic prowess. Save your words for later, now is the time you must further the plot. Now get moving!

Aries:  Let’s go crazy, it’s December! Divine insight and illumination can be yours if only you allow yourself. Forget square that or in opposition to and even retro times, December demands you dance to la radio irregulier! What matters is that you continue to flip the game around. You know that track you’ve been running on and you have a plan and words and more words in your head about how it’s gonna go? That’s over, get with the times bb! Thy name is Rebellion.

Taurus:  You’re so sick of this merde, marching to someone else’s beat, being the dawg the tick feeds off. When will it be your turn?! Oooooh, you’re almost there. So this is what I want you to do, make December about conserving energy. Replenish all your reserves, food, sleep, canned goods, bottled water, hand lotion, whatever you’ve got. If I were to tell you now where you are going to end up, you wouldn’t believe me. But you get ready, ok? You’re about to get all shook up and we’re gonna dive in, horns first!

Gemini:  Recently, I heard an orchestra play the actual 1840’s Can-can dance. Rousing as it was, it wasn’t the same without the dancers on hand. Which brings me to you and your whole one hand clapping schtick. You keep saying “I’ve always had this kind of lover and so that is the type I will always be attracted to” and you don’t want that anymore so you’ve hung up your naughties. For the love of Goddess, move on! I don’t care if you get it on with a herd of squirrels, just crank up the machine and get some forward motion happening. Only then will you realize that you have changed and you don’t need to fly on only one wing.

Cancer:  I will say only this, avoid all relationship dramz during the upcoming Merc Retro late December/early Jan. Your job in December is to act like an Aquarius, be light, be forward focused and utterly unconcerned with your feelings. Think you can’t? Think again. Cancer’s shadow is no nonsense, deep rooted Capricorn. It’s just a tiny stretch to electric, airy  Aqua energy from there. Think of yourself as an emotional ballerina, defying swampy feelz gravity with every prancing step. Or, do what you want and get sucked down into a pit of muck that will trap you through late summer, which if you do it my way–will actually be the exact moment you become a butterfly. Your choice. Next!

Leo:  Sometimes it seems like your horoscope was crafted from some rando, Edgar Allan Poe magnetic poetry kit. I can assure you, that is not the case as I would only do that for Scorpios. But we do need to talk. People have the impression that you are friendly, nice and interested in their probs. That can be fine. But there’s a whole crew you need to flick off your pirate ship, you have the power to be blunt in December. So, use it. Pretend you’re Sigourney Weaver, whomever you need. Just get the job done and make sure the bloodsuckers know “I am not friendly.”  And poof, like cats you cease to feed, they will stop ringing you up. You’re welcome!

Virgo:  You have reached peak Virgo, and I think the solution should be to pick up one terrible habit. Stop putting your laundry away or have a mistake quota where you like have to make at least 3 mistakes a day or spend an hour disorganizing your closet. If you don’t take one of my suggestions during December, I predict your head will actually explode. Okay, that’s being dramatic except I am pretty sure I saw that exact thing happening in my crystal ball. You will evolve whether you do it the easy or hard way, that’s on you.

Libra:  For some reason, you’ve been all up in your past lately. What are you looking for over there? Perhaps it’s the contrast between big new, roaring you, and the old, pink-tinted, timid you. Nice upgrade, right? You’re not quite used to handling all that thunder and white lightening you’re packing. “Boom Boom world, Libra  in the house. Deal wit it!”  Get out the way, get out the way, here comes one bad biatch {if appropriate!}. You like it now? Wait, it gets better, you’ve only just begun to taste the rainbow. Now excuse me while I go make some popcorn to enjoy your show!

Scorpio: Which gray crypt dream will you hear out in December? The one that combines thunder, lace and truth perhaps?  BTW, pay no attention to anything related to Leo’s horoscope this month. Sometimes I’m just like, No Ephemeris, I will deal not with you. And then I binge watch episodes of American Dad and fantasize about what their pretend show Shoe Police would be like if it were done with my collection of shoes. Example: What would happen if my white sneaker found out her partner were hanging out with my blue sneaker? And what if there were socks involved? Messy, right? And yet, not as bad as having a kidney stolen. Whatever you do, never be the flip-flop. This will make sense by NYE. Trust!


*Hysterical {pun!} graphic from Pinterest!


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